May 12, 2016
"When their actions and/or behavior becomes our/your pain"
Part 2
Dealing with their behavior and choices, our pain in the present.
For many of us we are fortunate or have learned by our past lessons and therefore make better choices which allows for a healthy and functional relationship. This topic can be applied to any/all relationships however it is primarily intended for or regarding romantic relationships, life partners, marriage or any relationship in which there is a full commitment.
For the rest of us we can often or at some point find ourselves enmeshed in a chaotic relationship where we are in almost constant distress or struggle. There are many reasons and influences that can and do contribute to unhealthy and dysfunctional relationships; but the outcome the price and sacrifices result in our pain and suffering due to their choices.
So how do relationships shift or develop into these cycles of pain and as discussed on part 1 (regarding past/previous experiences/relationships) their behavior causes our suffering. It would seem more logical that those making poor decisions or taking actions that do not support the potential of the relationship or one another would be the ones to suffer. But much too often instead we or the passive partner is the one that deals with the pain, disappointment and constant disruptions. It is impossible for any human to exist in chaos or anxiety and remain balanced, functional and happy. And because we are spiritual beings, our spiritual core/self becomes affected and this influence spills over into all areas of our life. It also creates habits and patterns that we often become numb or accustomed to the dysfunction to the point we may no longer be able to recognize it as such. However that does not stop our spirit, emotions and life from being negatively impacted nor does it eliminate the constant feelings of anxiety or general unhappiness. In fact the longer we remain in such a relationship or allow "their behavior-our pain" to continue unchecked the more at risk we become for being unable to extricate ourselves.
Our current relationships are always influenced to some degree by our past; not just our prior romantic relationships or encounters but even our childhood, upbringing and our spiritual and emotional DNA patterns. For example if we suffered from a past trauma and have or did not successfully rebound and recover, fully healed we are much more likely to be vulnerable to repeating the patterns or allowing ourselves to become involved with person's that emit that same predatory or abusive energy.
So as we look at present or existing relationships, we first as always gauge and judge the functionality or health of such a relationship by the dominating energy we feel both spiritually and emotionally. If we are in peace, harmony and balance and there is equality in the amount of giving and taking, we can assume we are in a healthy, functional relationship. But when the scales begin to tip and we find that we are constantly trying to change, shift or shape the patterns, habits and actions of our significant other, and then we can assume that something has gone wrong from within the relationship. And while it may be easy to acknowledge our relationship is out of balance, not harmonious and not providing our needs and desires, it is much more difficult to take the necessary steps to change the dynamics.
As most humans tend to focus on trying to change the other person, in reality we are the ones that require changes and sometimes that can mean exiting a relationship completely. My guides have also shared in depth that time in of itself does not offer changes, whether positive or negative. Therefore those of us that continue to wait, assuming that when enough time has passed our partner will eventually or finally realize their actions and the affect these have and make major changes, therefore righting the relationship into balance. However neither life nor relationships change without some external or significant catalyst. Although certainly miracles can and do occur, short of a "miracle", human beings change or shift when there is an external change or shift, thus in a sense forcing their behavior, attitudes and actions to change as well.
It is also a common misconception to believe in or place faith in a position of power. While faith and hope are essential to our spiritual energy, our growth and ability to observe and believe in the power of the future and the potential that exists. If we ignore the total reality of what is, the now and present by tolerating our pain or allowing ourselves to be in harm's way because of the actions of another, we are placing faith in the power of a savior or as justification for our suffering.
Love and relationships always require some sacrifice and risk. So it is realistic to anticipate that on occasion those we love will disappoint and cause us pain. And we as well will at times be disappointing or cause pain to our significant other, even if our or both intentions are truly honorable.
But this topic is about those that allow and accept the repetition and continued or ongoing disregard for the relationship and also for our ultimate well-being. And rather than the occasional disagreement, argument or even fight; it becomes a way of life that never actually changes. And sadly when we allow another's choices and behavior to continually cause us pain and suffering, we do at times simply have to accept that true happiness is not possible within this relationship.
The way or one of the ways to define such a relationship is to look at our coping skills and the boundaries that exist or are lacking and the way in which we define ourselves outside of such relationship. This means that if we have learned to or are always attempting to "teach" or to show another person how to meet or fulfill our needs and our life becomes built around this energy, we need to reassess our life.
A relationship is meant to be a separate entity from the persons involved. Therefore a relationship should never define us but simply be a part of which we are and should always add positivity and light into our world. When any relationship becomes as if it were a job or career; because it is necessary to spend all of our resources in attempting to control another, or dealing with the damage done by their choices and behavior (or lack of) we are most certainly the ones carrying the pain.
When our significant other is basically free of any repercussions, consequences or suffering; this is definitely the result of our having taken on all the pain and carrying all the burdens that should be equal or non-existent.
And because as humans we are often driven by fear, the fear of being alone, of having regrets, of giving up or even abandonment real or imagined often keep us attached to those that are toxic to our true self, life and well-being.
And again because certain patterns and coping skills have become so practiced and so ingrained in whom we are it is possible and often likely that we are no longer fully aware of the interactions and the reality of the relationship. We have grown so used to accepting the "pain and accountability" for their actions, choices and behaviors (or again lack of) that we can remain miserable or unhappy without fully understanding this concept.
An example of "their behavior, your pain is the following; a long term relationship which has lasted for many years, but has never grown past the dating phase. So although we made our desires to marry or to be in a committed relationship clear in the beginning and our partner or partner to be verbally agreed to desiring the same, years later the commitment is still unattained. And we may have had "talks", threatened to leave, given time and patience and been almost angelic in our "understanding" of perhaps their issues. And while that person may make promises that are not kept, they are receiving all of their needs and do not go without that which is important to THEIR desires. On the other hand; we find ourselves constantly trying to squelch our desires, our questions, doubts and uncertainties. We begin to build up a "case" of justifications, excuses and reasons why our partner or partner to be has not met OUR needs. We find that we have made all the compromises, even sacrificing many aspects of our life, our potential and using all available resources to support WHY we are the ones in pain, while the other person seems to live in freedom and happiness. We are no longer able or willing to view the realistic concepts and accept that the relationship is where the person desires it to be. We spend our time, energy and use every available tool in trying to change our own self, so that we have become a mere shadow of what we once were. We have compromised our true self and in doing so, have allowed our self and life to be defined and controlled by another. Yet at the very same time, the core of the real problem or issue is that our partner has never done the same. They have retained their sense of self and if anything have likely improved or become more, because they have been given all of the rewards and benefits without paying ANY of the prices, we instead have taken on that burden and why we are the ones in pain and often suffering.
It can be very complex and complicated, however it does not have to remain that way. We always have the choice to change SELF and to choose to pursue that original dream, desire or goal.
Next more on how to deal with a relationship that causes pain rather than gain.
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