Feb 25, 2016
"The complex system of communication"
Part 4
Defining our terms and meanings during verbal communication is the first step in creating or sharing a meaningful exchange.
As we take a closer look at our verbal communication with those people who are closest to us; although friends and family members are included the majority of constant communication is with our romantic partner. Whether we are married, co-habituating or simply in a long term relationship, communication is absolutely essential. Communication in of itself simply implies an attempt at verbal exchanges. What in part makes communication so complex is the ability for both to be active and positive participants in a fairly balanced or equal role? The failure to communicate is in general the number one reason that relationships fail or fall apart. When couples refer to a "lack of communication" as their biggest obstacle it can mean anything from silence or ignoring issues as a coping mechanism or the inability to accurately convey a message in a positive and well-intentioned manner. Often attempts at verbal communication end up or result in heated debates, arguments or on its lowest level, resorting to using words to disparage, berate or abuse our partner-thus causing damage to the relationship.
While most of us as humans truly desire to communicate in an attempt to adjust the level of connection and bond, quite often our attempts fail miserably. One of the first dynamics when entering into verbal exchange is the ability to use the unspoken or agreed upon vocabulary. If we communicate with subjective terms and are unable or unwilling to clarify such, the interpretation and perception becomes skewed, therefore any response is then based on that perception or assumption rather than what may have initially been intended. As mentioned on Starz Blogtalk and the follow up blog (see Tuesday's blog) or visit the homepage to listen to the recorded broadcast; we touch on the ability to identify our true intentions before attempting healthy and positive communication. It is then suggested that each person asks for some form of validation that the intended message was properly conveyed and received.
Simply "talking" is easy; communication however is a complex system or series of steps that require critical thinking, awareness of self and partner, clear intentions and the desire to achieve a positive outcome. Using communication to bully, punish, confuse or control another person and/or the relationship will almost always lead to a breakdown in the relationship-sometimes beyond repair.
So when we look closely at our more intimate communication; that which we share with our partner or significant other, "intimate" simply denotes the propriety of such relationship and the esteem in which it should be held. Although the following may not be all-inclusive when it comes to personal exchanges, verbal interactions and the process of verbal communication on or at its highest level, it is certainly a great place to start.
1) Always place communication as a priority towards the success of the relationship. Although all humans at one time or another are guilty of miscommunication, simply because we ARE human, working to be more aware of the process is invaluable.
2) Silence can be communication. Although we will take a more detailed look at other forms of communication later on; being self-aware and using our connection or intimate knowledge of our partner should guide us when healthy and positive communication is not going to likely be possible. If you have just had a horrible day at work, or your partner is not at their best, serious or intimate conversations about relationship or personal needs are best set aside. A big mistake many of us make is ignoring the "signs" or circumstances of the moment and postponing a needed conversation for a better time. Of course there are times when something simply cannot wait; however true communication as a complex system works best by the ability to gauge the overall mood and energy of both self, partner and current state of being. The majority of humans, male and female do not want to come in the door only to be "assaulted" with a serious or lengthy communication if it can wait a day or so. Sometimes remaining patiently silent for a better moment ensures or increases the chances that such communication will be taken in the way it is originally intended.
3) Keeping it positive; all verbal communication attempts should begin on a positive note or come from a place of love and the genuine desire for improvement within the relationship. This can often easily be achieved by speaking in a calm voice, and using the word "I" rather than "you". For example if one feels the need for more physical affection a good way to open the channel for communication would be; I feel so good when we hug and I miss that lately we seem to be too busy. I would really like for us to try to hug more. Compare how a partner would perceive that opposed to this; you used to hug me all the time, now you never bother to do that. You act like it’s not important. There is a huge difference in how those statements or requests are made. One is positive and opens the door for our needs to be met and the other likely places our partner on the defense and our needs will fall to the wayside as instead our instinct to defend kicks in. Monitor your words, and how you bring up problems or issues.
4) Defining our terms; if we need to address an issue or perhaps a need that is not currently being met or fulfilled it's important that we communicate with an accurate and calm assessment of our feelings. Almost all humans and especially those in a committed relationship are much more responsive to how their/our partner "feels" versus what they think or assume. Define your terms by being specific. So rather than to presume your partner can read your mind and knows that when you say; "I hate when you leave all your dirty clothes strewn about". Perhaps define the WHY such as; "I feel much more appreciated and it helps me so much when you take the time to put your dirty clothes in the hamper". Although that specific example may seem rather trite, often it is the small things that can create a rift which only grows larger when we lack the proper tools of communication.
5) In general, assume your partner desires to please you and to meet the needs of the relationship. If you truly feel your partner has no genuine concerns about the value of you or the relationship, your problem may be who you are with rather than a communication issue. Therefore take the positive approach by assuming your partner wants to see you happy and approach difficult situations or problems from that perspective. If both person's in a relationship assume the highest good, take a positive approach and assume the other is doing the same, true and valuable communication is more likely to ensue.
6) Validation and feedback; often we get swept up into our need or sense of entitlement and after pouring it all out, some of us tend to omit this very vital step. It serves no purpose if our communication is not understood nor validated. Ask your partner how they "feel" about what you have shared and be sure that your intentions were clearly absorbed. If not, then find another positive way of approaching or reiterating the initial problem or issue. It all goes back to our intentions and being able to take the more positive approach. Before you conclude or assume an issue is resolved, be sure to validate your partner understands your feelings, requests or needs and be willing to accept and even invite feedback.
7) LISTEN!! A huge part of positive and successful communication within a relationship is the skill of listening. When attempts to communicate simply result in each person trying to take control or get their "airtime" neither partner is listening and consequently the matter will not be resolved. In many cases it will result in a destructive pattern that is not easily mended. Try to show the same respect in listening you would a person of authority; such as your boss, an elderly family member, a clergy or even the president. If that person were to communicate or attempt to communicate a message chances are you/I would not be quick to interrupt to get our view across. Listening and then validating what you have received or what you believe your partner is asking or needing is just as important as being able to share your time at verbal communication.
"Rome wasn't built in a day" and nothing could be truer than the complex process of communication. Although some of us have found that balance within our relationships and the proof of that is a harmonious and happy partnership. However the majority of humans often take for granted the "art" and/or skill of true communication. It is a process, not only in the literal communication taking place but in learning how to successfully apply the above principles to achieve our greatest or highest potential.
Clear intentions, positive approach, being specific, validating both our self and our partner's need/request, listening and assuming ONLY the best for each other. While these are not all that is needed it's a great start to understanding and achieving the process of communication.
Next; how our energy creates harmony or chaos. ~
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