Oct 6, 2016
"The fixer-upper"
The complex and dysfunctional energy when we continually seek a partner and perhaps a friend that needs to be fixed.
Part 3
Before we can change or alter any aspect of our life including our own coping skills, energy and perspective we must be fully aware and connected to whatever is or may be an issue, block or obstacle.
If you have read part 1 and 2 most should be able to recognize the patterns, actions and energy that is prevalent in those that are considered the “fixers”. And it is important to note that many of those that carry that DNA or for various reasons are or have become attached to the need or desire of fixing; it can be channeled in a positive way. But for now we are looking the dysfunction and the toxic results, or the chaotic energy this ultimately brings into our life and the shifts within as well.
These are much like addictions in the sense the patterns can be some of the most difficult to break or abandon. There are many that have carried this intention or these traits since childhood and have lived their adult life in the constant form of finding the “fix”. It could even be said that the “fixer” or those that seek exclusively those in need of fixing or radical and significant change are in some ways addicted to the process. While we know that love, caring and even the best of intentions cannot cure disease it cannot change another person, regardless of the circumstances.
To begin to break the pattern or cycle, for some spiritual guidance can be a great asset to help dislodge internal blocks and change DNA spiritual patterns. And others may seek therapy in face to face counseling while other humans are able to work on this process from within self.
Beginning change is difficult and it can be scary as these changes are propelling us into an unfamiliar state of being and again just as a drug or actual substance addict we can fear we will lose our identity in this change. However the truth is that we actually are able to find and create our true identity as we are no longer focused and intent on “fixing” another, but can use all possible resources to look deep within our own self, discovering what lies beneath the drive or obsession. For most of us that have become fixers, we are to one degree or other enablers and we can also use the psychological term of co-dependency. We become dependent on the focus and seeking change and solutions for someone else, and our problems, issues or missing pieces get pushed to the wayside. We have to begin to channel all that energy into self and to attempt to reconnect to our own spiritual energy or core and allow any and all emotional issues and memories surface.
While not every “fixer” has experienced a terrible childhood or faced horrific trauma, we will always find something within the family even as mentioned generations back. As we begin to process our thoughts and turn those onto our personal self and life, suddenly we begin to form a picture of who we are and who we can become, our potential. This is a step by step process and generally begins by reflecting back to any or all relationships and encounters, whether romantic or platonic in which we attempted to fix and were virtually unsuccessful. If another person changed, it was due to other influences within their self or their own desire and path and not a result of the love, care or support given by the fixer. Therefore any human that is a true “fixer” in every sense of the word and its meanings should be able to identify and admit there have in reality been no success stories. Instead what we find is disruption, drama, chaos and our life filled with constant upheaval and no peace. And the fixer energy often thrives on this energy even though it becomes toxic at some point and eventually is recognized as damaging and draining. As we move further into adulthood and the more experiences or relationship we encounter, the more we may begin to see or feel the hamster wheel or that something IS wrong with this picture.
Breaking the cycle begins within and quite often requires that we carefully evaluate our current relationships, no matter how those are defined. When we become aware that the “fixing” is the main connection shared and the focus of the relationship, we need determination, faith and courage to exit that particular relationship. It is imperative to changing our life not just the present but the future short and long term as well.
Some of us are involved or have been in toxic “fixer” relationships that have lasted years, even decades and for those it may not be as easy as simply exiting or avoiding interaction. Instead we can take a good look at all the ways in which we attempt to intervene with the intention of helping or fixing our partner or whomever we are bonded with. It means letting go and accepting that the relationship and the person is going to change, however although initially difficult, ultimately the sacrifice becomes well worth the struggle.
If they are sad, we need to learn to allow that and simply walk away rather than begin a series of protocols established to “cheer up” such person. If they are job searching, that is THEIR responsibility, it means disengaging from any and all patterns, habits, actions, emotions and energy that in any way takes over. So we would not browse the help wanted ads, or mention or suggest, cajole or use our resources to prop, change or help.
Although we may have honorable intentions, or they may have begun as such, we are creating a monster in a manner of speaking and not only is this destructive to our life, enabling or fixing in such manner only weakens the other person.
So breaking the cycle begins with awareness and then the courage to look in the mirror and place the focus and power of our life into our every move, intention and action. And by the same token, each and everything that is done to fix or help another (other than the healthy examples such as volunteer work, giving a dollar to a homeless person, etc.) we have to cut that cord completely.
This is an obsession and attachment and is not a true, healthy and functional energy or relationship, with self or the other.
Up next, more on letting go and how this energy can learned to be channeled productively. ~
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