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Life Stories by StarzAstroWand - "Retrospect is Good"

Feb 14, 2020

Retrospect is Good
Oddly enough looking backwards often helps us move forward.  If we can shut off the emotions while we look back on our life we will see how everything affected our lives.  We also realize we can't change it but we can change how we look at it.  During the time everything was happening we were in the moment and our needs and desires were what we based our actions on.  Looking back on it, (without the-pain-of-the-moment), it shows us what came of it and helps us make better choices now.  I can promise it will help the now moment in your life to sort through the then moment.
I was born to a strong, negative, in-control Gemini woman who was not ready to have a child.  But 15 months after marriage she was stuck with a healthy, intelligent, strong, fearless, independent, loud blond who  never-met-a-stranger and had her own ideas about what she would and would not do.  It was not a good match to say the least.  The Mother found fault with just about anything I did. Think about how it would feel if  your mother never in your life said anything nice to you or about you.  At the time it didn't bother me at all.  It gave me the freedom to get out there and run through life having the many adventures I had! With her love and attention I would have probably felt guilty or obligated to do what she expected of me.  But I was basically free at a very early age! As long as she did not have to put up with me or my actions everything was good for both of us.   I never had a mean bone in my body but I did have a temper and never really minced words when someone crossed my path.  And that included the-woman-stuck-with-being- mother.  I spent a lot of time being spanked and standing in a corner.  To this day I can't remember any of the reasons.  As far as I was concerned whatever I did was fine... it was the Mother who had the problem.
In retrospect I now realize it was good that Mother only took care of me because it was her job!  I never let anything stop me.  It seems fate had meant for me to travel, work, meet people and have many adventures.  I realize all of our lives are shaped by what we do, and who we meet. In my case I now realize I was meant to walk a very long, winding, interesting life, and the fact my Mother never stopped me from doing anything but was always there if I  needed help was how I was able to have such an interesting life.  I spent many years resenting the fact she did not like me until I realized her attitude had actually set me free. 
I have to look back and realize what having a child like me was like for a woman like her.  Her husband had an affair with the lady next door, everyone divorced.  Mother married the husband of the lady-next-door whom my Father had impregnated and married! It ended up forming two intertwined families with 6 kids that belonged to everyone and yet she still had to deal with a child like me who would go just about anywhere and talk to anyone.  Luckily I had a good nature and I never did harm to anyone, but I was a person who felt I could do anything and believed everything anyone said!  I was innocent and presumed everyone was good!  That turned out to be the hardest lesson I never really learned. People lie! They lie to take advantage of us, fool us, do harm to us!  Yet everyone can still trust me to be honest to the smallest detail. 
In the middle of suddenly being the oldest of 6 kids instead of two,  and living in a new town with a new father, I turned 13 and fell in love!   Not only was Mother starting a new family, she now had a teenager who was head over heels in love. I have to say looking back at that moment I can finally understand why the Mother resented being stuck with me.   But at that moment she decided there was no more letting me be a kid. If I was old enough to feel love I was old enough to be treated like an adult. I was taught to drive. I baby-sat the rest of the kids, I was required to go to school every day then work weekends where Mother worked.  She taught me to sew and make some of my own clothes.  She joined a local church and insisted all of us go there every Sunday! I never was a religion person but there was a large teenager group that was fun to be with and it was nice to be around so many nice town-people.  I have to say that year was one of the best in my life!  I felt like I was 'one of the family' for the first time. 
Of course it did not last long.  My life has always been a series of events and there were hundreds of them to follow. But all of us have a time in our life where a page turns and now we know why, we know what we lost or gained and what we learned.  The only thing we can do is change how we look at it.  My load is lighter.  The Mother has been on the other side for many years and I felt angry with her until I finally saw it all 'as it was'.  I saw the reason and meaning behind it. I saw her side of it.  She was who she was, and because of it all, so am I.  Go ahead and take a look at your turning point.  It will be worth it.

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