May 16, 2016
"When their actions and/or behavior becomes our/your pain"
Conclusion
There really is no "secret" to learning not to accept the "pain" from another. It is a difficult and often arduous process but well worth the results once we are free.
And although we have focused primarily on romantic relationships; often our family members via their behavior cause or create pain and disruption. As a reminder when we are caught up in THEIR cycle, habits and actions we are often considered to be "co-dependent" or an "enabler". Whether we use a specific term or not the results or outcome always remain the same; we end up taking on the pain of THEIR choices.
And the only way to stop the enabling, the abuse or whatever else results in suffering rather than joy, balance and harmony is to exit and disconnect from such person. When it comes to a romantic relationship or even friendship we have as much choice to remain or leave as they have in whatever choices and actions have been committed. If we are dealing with a family member, it's not always quite as simple to simply walk away forever. And there are ways in which we can remain in contact or be a small part of another person's life but refuse to carry their burden or bear their pain. Obviously this would be impossible in a romantic relationship or with a potential life partner as that relationship needs to grow; the bond or connection should be increasing not narrowing.
For most of us unless that person actually exits the relationship and we have no choice but to carry on, the exact moment or time when enough is enough can vary. Some of us have a low tolerance to pain just as we vary with our physical tolerance to pain. And others have a high tolerance or for other reasons have become used to or accustomed to such treatment and therefore dysfunction or pain begin to feel "normal". Or often a client comes asking why over and over they attract the same "type" as if it were some fluke of nature or curse they carry. However in looking deeper it becomes obvious that those first initial warning signs were ignored and when the behavior originated it was accepted or excused.
All those we love and care for and almost every relationship can or will cause us pain at one point. Just as we are likely to bring pain or disappointment to others. However that should be always unintentional, and the exception rather than the rule.
So learning to discard burdens which include pain, chaos, anxiety and suffering can become as strong of a pattern and we can become just as determined as we had or are to accepting such.
Be a realist. While hope and faith are always necessary to see or anticipate the future, it should never be ALL the relationship relies on. So be honest and willing to evaluate the relationship and the possible reasons why you may have been tolerant or willing to accept or should the pain/blame.
Never let fear makes your decisions and we should never stay with a person (or job, career, etc. for that matter) because we are worried this is as good as it gets. That is where we need the faith and hope, that there absolutely is something better and love should be healing, not hurting.
Be aware from the very beginning. Too many times we allow our vision and desire for a partner or for a committed relationship to overrule what is or is obviously obstacles that cannot be overcome. These are the warning signs and if we heed those early on, we avoid investing time, energy and resources and are also able to move closer to finding our true soul mate.
Be accepting that we cannot change others only self. Upon meeting someone and in pursuing a potential romance be clear and direct about who you are and pay close attention to who they are. What you see really is what you get. When we begin to assume or presume that "once they are with me" this will change, that will be different and they will no longer need, want or behave this way, we are truly headed down a dangerous path. When humans change it's either due to a Divine enlightenment, a major catalyst or because they realize their own desire to change for the benefits and rewards. Yelling, threatening, crying or any other forms of manipulation will have the power to change another person. It is always possible if you truly do exit, they may realize the consequences of their actions, possible but not the usual outcome. And we should never make choices or take actions to try to prod or provoke an outcome; it should always be done because it serves our greater good.
Do not let events, experiences and especially others to define you or your value/worth. This is perhaps the biggest mistake humans make and the most difficult to turn around. When we are loving, compassionate, giving individuals, we generally expect that from others especially those closest to us. And when their actions, choices or behavior seems to indicate the opposite, it can be self-damaging when we absorb this as OUR shortcoming or our problem or issue. We absolutely must be prepared and able to place the accountability where it belongs. Other's do not take advantage, make poor choices, betray a committed relationship or other actions because we are not pretty enough, rich enough or strong enough. They do this because this is the type of person THEY have become and again chances are fairly high we saw signs of this long before we became so heavily invested.
Focus on how you feel and how you deserve to feel. We all deserve to feel happy, at peace in balance and joy. We should anticipate the future not feel reliant on it or expect or wait for some magic resolution or change.
Walking away, disconnecting and endings are never easy. Even when doing so truly is in our best interests it still can be difficult and it takes time to heal and recover. But the rewards and the benefits now and forever are truly unfathomable until we finally walk that walk. And usually some of the most difficult choices we make end up being the best.
And when it comes to "love"; if we keep trying to change bad love into good or change a person, we are potentially missing out on what is or were meant to be. If you find yourself constantly working on or towards a relationship, stop and let go. Anyone that is meant to be or a possible life partner does not or will not require constant monitoring or work. If the flow is not natural and we don't feel good and uplifted the majority of our time together and apart, it's truly time to evaluate the patterns created and the basis and boundaries of this relationship.
And no matter what it takes for you or how you make the break or disconnection; always remember that are never meant to be a "beast of burden", we are meant to share our lives, our hopes and disappointments. We are not meant to carry another all the way through life, nor accept their consequences.
Be responsible for you and you only, anything more is simply not meant to be and likely will not be. ~
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